How to Address Changes in Your Preteen and Their Friends

If your kid is between the ages of 9 and 12 years old, they’re officially a preteen or “tween,” and they’re inevitably starting to change a lot.

How to Address Changes in Your Preteen and Their Friends

Let’s be honest: No one wants their kid to grow up, especially when you’re about to enter the dreaded teenage years. If your kid is between the ages of 9 and 12 years old, they’re officially a preteen or “tween,” and they’re inevitably starting to change from that lovable goofy kid to a full-on mini adult.

We’re talking about the preadolescence period that takes your child from early childhood to the onset of puberty or the start of the teenage years, whichever comes first. As you may or may not remember, hormones are rampant at this age, as cognitive, behavioral and physical changes begin in your child. Your preteen may start to pull away with you and start to find new friends and interests that seem atypical for your kid.

Some kids grow up sooner than others during this time period, and that’s OK, but it can be a bit difficult to address as a parent. For instance, what happens if your child’s friends are changing quicker, and they don’t want to grow up as fast? First off — lucky you! — but more seriously, it can be a difficult situation to navigate. Our in-house advice columnist answers this very question to one of our readers.

Your Kid Is Officially a Preteen

Dear FamilyMinded,

My daughter is now officially a preteen, and I’ve noticed that her friendships are starting to change. Her friend group — composed of girls who used to care about My Little Pony and hanging out on the jungle gym — is now obsessed with pop culture, phones, boys, clothes and all the stuff that, I suppose, tweens are expected to care about. The thing is that my daughter doesn’t.

Believe me, I’m happy that she’s not there (yet, at least). But her lack of enthusiasm for those subjects is causing strain in her friendships. Her friends have started to treat her differently, to exclude her and to even call her a baby. I can see that it bothers my daughter, but she’s known these girls since kindergarten and is a loyal friend who wants to remain part of the group. How do I help her navigate changing friendships and interests now and as she continues to grow into a — gulp — teenager?

Signed,

I’d Rather She Just Play the Tuba

Helping Your Tween Navigate Changing Friendships

DearI’d Rather She Just Play the Tuba,

Welcome to the preteen years. Social lives get tricky as hormones surge and kids seek increased independence. Coupled with the increased influence of peers on the adolescent brain as well as today’s media landscape, you may be looking at a perfect storm of unknowns.

The first order of business here is to chat with your daughter about her experiences. You might want to initiate the conversation by making observations, like, “I noticed you aren’t hanging out with Karly as much these days,” or “It seems like Madison’s dressing differently lately.” Hopefully, that will get her talking. Remember to express empathy and to truly listen.

Sharing stories of the changes your own friendships have undergone can help. You may want to recall a time when you had a friend or a group of friends whose interests started to diverge from yours and what it felt like. As adults, we know that sometimes friendships endure stresses before they adapt and grow even stronger, and sometimes, friendships come up against roadblocks or simply peter out.

You probably won’t be able to solve the problem directly, but you can offer ideas and support along the way. Are there friends she feels more in step with at the moment that you could help facilitate time with? Are there activities she wants to devote more of herself to (like the tuba!)? Above all, let her know that it’s OK to be who she is and to like what she likes. While friendships might change over time, and sometimes friends come and go, she will always have to live with herself. We could all use that kind of reminder now and again.

You got this!

Love,

FamilyMinded