Dear Son, How About You Make Your Own Lunch Then?

Lunch notes between a mother and son can make for quite the hilarious negotiation.

Dear Son, How About You Make Your Own Lunch Then?

I don’t know about your kids, but mine talk a lot. Apropos of nothing, they like to supply facts about fascinating subjects like naked mole rats and the proper specs for paper airplanes. They argue and complain, as kids do. And they are also master negotiators.

What follows is a drawn-out negotiation I recently had with my nine-year-old son that began with discussions of school lunches and snacks. As our conversations continued, I realized that it was also about how our family roles have changed as my kids have grown and how they must continue to evolve. My nine-year-old is the older of two kids in our family, and I know he’s ready to take on more responsibility in our home life — even if we don’t always agree on the terms.

I’ve chosen to illustrate this conversation as a series of rather hilarious lunch notes between us that can be used as guidance in your own future parent-child negotiation encounter.

Tortilla Chips With Hummus

Dear Mom,

When you packed a lunch for me and my sister to take on our playdate, you made several mistakes. I would call them rookie mistakes, except — really Mom — you’ve been doing this for like nine years. I thought you’d have the hang of it by now.

One — why would you make me share a hummus container with my sister? She eats like a baby gorilla. Two — who ever heard of tortilla chips with hummus? Crackers — yes. Pretzels — yes. Even carrots, if you have nothing else. But tortilla chips with hummus are just weird. Three — I like hummus, but I wanted something different to eat today. Why didn’t you know that?

Love,
Your Son

What About Some Flexibility?

Dear Son,

I hear your frustration, and I’m sorry you didn’t like the lunch I packed for the playdate today. The reason you and your sister had to share the hummus is that you two use my plastic containers to concoct sticky, gooey potions or to hold whatever bugs or beads or other things you need a place for. I’m almost out of containers with fitting lids, my sweet!

As for the entrée, you like tortilla chips, and you like hummus, so I thought there was a good chance you’d like them together. In a pinch, at least. Which it was … I had a work deadline this week (why I arranged the playdate for you on this day-off-for-no-particular-reason school holiday), and I haven’t had a chance to go grocery shopping. I already know you don’t like bread and hummus. So, tortilla chips were the next best thing.

FYI, when you and your sister were toddlers, I often ate your picked-over fish sticks for dinner. So, maybe a little flexibility on your part would help?

Love,
Mom

Too Much Repetition

Dear Mom,

Next time, if you don’t have crackers, pretzels or carrots, just make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich please. And while we’re on the topic of food, we have to talk about school lunches. Here’s the thing: If I bring home the apple you packed me on Monday, I don’t want to see the same apple back in my lunchbox on Tuesday. I mean, what makes you think that an extra day of bouncing around in my backpack will make an apple or an orange better?

Further, raisins are not considered a real snack. They are only good for oatmeal. When in doubt, chocolate chips are a much better choice. Thanks.

Love,
Your Son

A Lesson in Pickiness

Dear Son,

As for repacking the things you didn’t eat on Monday into Tuesday’s lunch, I’m guilty. But, in my defense, I didn’t see any bruises on the apple I resent in Tuesday’s lunch. Some snacks, like raisins, are still perfectly good on the second, third or fourth — even the fifth day. They’re naturally preserved!

I know, I know, you’re not crazy about raisins in the first place except in oatmeal (only one particular brand and one particular flavor, with a dollop — but never too much — of coconut oil mixed in). See where I’m going with this? Your tastes, my dear son, are rather discriminating. Some might even throw around adjectives like (very, extremely) picky.

I’m also well aware that you would prefer chocolate chips to raisins, but did you know that I’m contractually obligated as your parent to at least try to teach you healthy eating habits? Also, what would the (always well-dressed, organic-only feeding) moms think of me if I gave you chocolate chips as a snack on a school day?

Love,
Mom

Granola vs. Chocolate

Dear Mom,

I figured you’d say no to chocolate chips in my school lunches. But riddle me this — why are granola bars with chocolate chips OK, but not regular old chocolate chips? I read the label on the bars you usually send, and they have 10 grams of sugar. A serving of chocolate chips has only 8 grams of sugar. Got you on that one, right?

Love,
Your Son

Let’s Talk Serving Size

Dear Son,

You make a decent point. Many of the products marketed to moms (like me!) as healthy kid snacks are just a bunch of dressed-up sugar. That being said, a granola bar with 10 grams of sugar probably fills you up a bit more than a tablespoon (yes, that’s a serving) of chocolate chips!

Also, let me reiterate: Other moms would judge me if that’s what I sent you for a snack. I know I tell you not to bow to peer pressure, but this is different. I’ll tell you exactly why and how it’s different — later.

I’m constantly amazed by how smart and competent you are and by how much you can do now. Also, you seem to be working with some free time. How about we turn your skills toward something really useful? I’m thinking a few more chores.

Love,
Mom

Chore Negotiations

Dear Mom,

I already have a lot of chores, but maybe we can work something out — if you’re willing to pay, of course.

In the meantime, here’s a very simple request. Can you please plan ahead with the groceries so that we don’t run out of strawberry milk cartons before the end of the week? I really hate it when I open up my lunch bag on Thursday or Friday and there’s no strawberry milk in it. Thanks.

Love,
Your Son

A Simple Request

Dear Son,

You and your sister keep drinking the small cartons of strawberry milk at home when I’m not looking. I’ve told you two that those are for school lunches and that at home you should pour yourselves glasses of orange juice or kefir or (I know this sounds shocking) water.

If you notice the pantry’s low on strawberry milk cartons, write it down on the shopping list. There’s an easy “chore” for you. Better yet, tell Alexa to add it to the shopping list. I know you know how to work Alexa — you had to teach me how to do it.

Love,
Mom

A Few Extra Items

Dear Mom,

Sure, I can add stuff to Alexa’s shopping list if I notice we’re running low. She and I are practically besties. But don’t be surprised if you find a few extra, helpful reminders on your shopping list besides milk or peanut butter or bread. Like maybe chocolate-covered brownies with marshmallows and whipped cream. Just sayin.’

Love,
Your Son

A Genius Idea

Dear Son,

This discussion has actually helped me put two and two together. You’re dissatisfied with my lunch-making and snack-buying. You have a lot of free time on your hands and seem to be open to new chores, so I have a genius idea.

You might have already heard me clanking around in a place called the kitchen while making breakfasts, lunches and dinners for the family? Hint: It’s down the hall from your bedroom on the right. There’s something called a pantry in there, where I keep snacks (you know, the ones you eat all afternoon at home so I have nothing left to put in your lunch the next day?). There’s also something called a fridge in the kitchen, where hummus and sandwich ingredients can be found.

Fun fact: Nine-year-olds used to have extensive lists of farm chores to complete before breakfast! Yes, children of the past, in lands near and far, would feed chickens, collect eggs, muck stalls and feed slop to pigs — among a long list of other things you might find disagreeable.

So, how about this? Your dad and I will make the money so that we have food in the house out of which you can make your own lunches. And while you’re at it, please make your sister’s lunch, too. You’re so good at so many things, and I’m proud of you, my darling first-born.

Love,
Mom

Cash Is King

Dear Mom,

Sure, I’ll make lunches. But, as I mentioned before, I get paid for chores. So I’ll set my alarm a little earlier to get it all done — I agree with you that I’m old enough.

And you know what else I’m old enough for? A new iPad. You want me to learn about working hard, saving money and paying for the things I want, right? We can help each other out.

I’ll only charge $5 per day per lunch. I’ll even make the healthy, boring lunches you want us to eat. I’ll even make Dad’s lunch for work. And on top of my regular allowance for my regular (awful) chores, I’ll have enough for a new iPad in a month. Truly win-win!

Thanks Mom!

Love,
Your Son

The Going Rate

Dear Son,

You’re a smart one.

I agree to the basic terms, but labor (you) and management (me) are going to have to keep negotiating when it comes to pay. I do not believe that $15 a day is the going rate for these kinds of jobs. For instance, I’ve been doing it for free for the last nine years!

We’ll keep talking, my darling. But in the meantime, feel free to get started in the mornings. Or, you could always buy lunch at school. I hear cafeteria lunches are becoming much healthier these days.

As always, I love you.

Mom