Kids Aren't Afraid to Be Weird
We love kids, but let’s face it — they can be pretty weird. They eat weird things, make weird sounds, ask weird questions, have weird moods and poop in weird places.
What’s the weirdest thing your kiddo has done? Whatever it is, this list is bound to sound familiar. To start...
A Noisy Contradiction
It’s understandable that brand-new babies have a hard time coping with an equally new, unfamiliar world. It’s a lot to take in for adults, let alone a 7-pound newborn. Overstimulation is real, manifesting in fussiness, trouble settling and the dreaded “witching hour.” When babies graduate to toddlers, they grow out of the overstimulation thing though, right? RIGHT?!
You wish. At two, three and beyond, kids “look” like they’re having the time of their lives … until all hell breaks loose. You drag your butt on a Saturday morning to a 4-year-old’s birthday party. There’s a playground. A bounce house. And 35 sugar-fueled preschoolers. Your kid is right in the thick of it, laughing and screaming like a banshee. They have an AMAZING time … for about three hours.
The Weird AF Part
Out of nowhere, it hits: They’re exhausted, and all the noise and excitement is starting to become too much. Will they admit it and ask to go home? Heck no! They will scream and cry like they’re being kidnapped the whole way to the car.
And then they’re straight up unconscious by the end of the block. Why does it take until your late ’20s to realize laying on the couch with no one bothering you is where the fun is really at?
Rest Up, Kid
Who doesn’t love naps? Anyone who’s actually encouraged to take them, apparently. The years of acceptable napping are so short, yet so unappreciated by the average toddler.
Try to get a grumpy 3-year-old to take a nap. We dare you. It’s a process of gentle coaxing, copious snuggles and often bribery.
The Weird AF Part
But WHY?! Adults would kill for two hours to snooze in the middle of a work day.
Adulting is hard. And boring. We need naps. Don’t want them, threenager? Can we negotiate a trade off? You do the house chores while we partake in your unruly naps.
A Crappy Situation
It’s a universally accepted fact: Poop is gross. It just is. Besides being unsanitary, it’s brown and mushy and smelly and GROSS.
Unless you’re two. When you’re two, you are utterly fine with sitting in your own poop because the alternative is actually going in the potty.
The Weird AF Part
For some reason, pooping in an actual toilet is terrifying to the average toddler. Under the kitchen table? Fine. Behind the couch? Great. Smeared all over the living room wall? Freaking fantastic!
But in the toilet? Suddenly, their poops are their best friends, and flushing them away is the most traumatic, tragic goodbye they’ve yet experienced.
Really, You’ll Eat That?
Steamed veggies aren’t as tasty as a trans fat–filled oreo. WE get it. But how in the world is a single piece of broccoli nastier than literally picking your nose and eating it?
Or wiping it on the couch? Or spitting out a food you don’t like and handing it to your poor, unsuspecting mother?
The Weird AF Part
My child found a worm in the mud. Had no problem picking it up. Had no problem playing with it. Had no problem accidentally squishing it. Had no problem putting it in my purse to take a nap.
But one piece of onion on her pizza, and the entire thing must be burned.
An Interesting Combo
The list of weird things kids like to eat is almost as long as the list of things they won’t eat.
Melted cheese … just melted cheese. Or butter, with a fork. Peanut butter and pickle sandwiches. Cereal and orange juice. Spaghetti and syrup, “Elf” style.
The Weird AF Part
Some kids have even been known to enjoy dog biscuits. WTF?!
Honestly, the list of apparently “delicious” foods is endless.
Indecisive Much?
Be it bananas, a TV show or a particular pair of shoes, kids’ tastes change overnight. One evening, they throw their dinner plate at the wall because Cheerios are the only food in the house that qualifies as an acceptable form of nourishment.
But the next morning, Cheerios are yucky. Now, they want a jelly sandwich and a chewy granola bar.
The Weird AF Part
My daughter spent a full year refusing to wear anything but short-sleeved dresses. No pants. No long sleeves.
Now, I can’t get her out of baggy, too-big sweats. Explain this to me, small human. I am all kinds of confused.
An Interesting Habit
Pennies. Keys. Doorknobs. The floor of the Los Angeles airport. Nothing is off limits for small people who possess tongues. If it exists, it must be licked.
My child tried to eat a slug once. Now, she likes to pretend she’s going to give me a sweet, gentle kiss and then licks my face with all the enthusiasm of a golden retriever.
The Weird AF Part
You would think they grow out of it, but no. I knew a 7-year-old who liked to suck on quarters.
Apparently, metal and unidentified green gunk is delicious. Who knew?
A Good Head on Your Shoulders
Even when they’re almost 5 years old, your kid might remember breastfeeding — how about the very moment you’re checking out at Target?
They might ask if they can “try a bite to see if your boobies still work.” Loudly, of course. Just to check.
The Weird AF Part
They might be so curious that they walk into your room while you’re getting dressed, give your boob an invasive squeeze, and announce, “I used to suck on those. Why are they so empty? Can you fill them up again?”
At least, that’s what I’ve heard…
A Test in Anatomy
I’m all for raising self-aware, body-positive kids. I’ve tried to teach my kid anatomically correct names, even though she still insists on calling her vulva a “front butt.”
She’s also openly announced at school that her front butt itches, proceeding to stick her hands in her pants to remedy the issue. She has also lifted up her shirt in public and announced that her belly button has “stuff in it.”
The Weird AF Part
Meanwhile, little boys have quite the reputation for testing the self-love waters whenever they feel like it. Normal? Totally.
Awkward when you’re out for dinner and your 3-year-old announces his penis is happy? So, so awkward.
Just a Little Help...
“NO, MAMA. I DO.” We all know the phrase. They have to do everything themselves, from putting on their shoes to buckling their own seat belts.
But, the truth is they kind of suck at it. It’s not their fault, of course, because they’re TWO.
The Weird AF Part
Their eagerness to learn means they will commit to doing everything on their own, even when they’re breaking down in tears. Don’t you dare try to help. They WILL yell at you.
Just expect literally everything to take a full hour longer than it needs to.
Nighttime Foes
You read one last story, sing one last lullaby and kiss your precious angel one last time before you slowly sneak out of their room, avoiding the creaky floorboards you’ve obviously memorized. At last, they are sound asleep. The house is peaceful.
Until the silence is broken by an ear-splitting shriek around midnight. You rush in to see your sweet child thrashing around in bed, screaming like they’re being eaten alive.
The Weird AF PArt
You rush to soothe them from what must be a horrifyingly bad dream ... except they don’t know you’re there. They push you away, clueless that you’re trying to help, and continue kicking and screaming. And in the morning? The only sign anything happened at all are the bags under your eyes.
Welcome to night terrors. According to Mayo Clinic, 40 percent of kids experience them. According to 100 percent of parents, they’re scary AF. They usually pass in time, but boy are they freaky.
Night Stalkers
Just kidding. It is creepy. It really is. No matter how much you’ve mastered sleep training, every kid is bound to wake up and need you.
Maybe they’re getting sick. Maybe they need water.
The Weird AF Part
Regardless, being woken up in the dead of night to a small, shadowy figure standing quietly in the doorway is ALWAYS startling.
On the upside, they might be able to offset college tuition by landing a lead role in “The Shining II.”
Too Creative?
Vivid imaginations are beautiful things. Most of the time. Kids can come up with some wild ideas, and since they’re still too young to totally differentiate between dreams and reality, they can wholeheartedly believe some weird stuff.
Some kids convince themselves they were actually kidnapped, and their “real” parents are out there somewhere searching for them. The ones raising them are imposters. Some kids have imaginary friends who tell them to do bad things. Some have visions of long-dead relatives casually standing in the corner.
The Weird AF Part
While these stories they tell themselves are odd, the weird part is that none of these things are actually cause for concern — until maybe they’re 12 or 13.
Then, you should look into that.