Kids Say the Funniest (and Most Honest) Things
Laughter is the best medicine, and kids are the best at making us overdose on it. That's because kids say the funniest things.
Usually, they don't even know they're being funny, which makes what they're saying even funnier.
Here are several hilarious things said by kids. Get ready to laugh so hard you'll cry.
Good to Know
Reddit user jfrizzera shared what should have been an ordinary, everyday interaction with his four-year-old son. He asked a simple question and got a direct and honest — albeit unexpected — response.
My four-year-old son was in the bathroom with the door closed. I knocked and said, “What’s going on in there?”
His reply: “Nothing, it’s just me and my penis.”
At least he knows his body parts.
Close, but Not Quite Right
When the HuffPost asked its readers to share funny things their kids said, the responses were hysterical. Just take this one from Denise Bailey-Joseph.
My son walks up to me with his hands dangling under his chin, fingers spread out and wiggling around.
"Mom, like my beard of testicles?"
"...what? Beard of...what?"
"My beard of testicles. I'm an octopus!"
"TENTacles, kiddo. They're called tentacles."
"Yeah, that's what I meant."
Hey, at least he knows what a beard is. And that octopuses have tentacles. Baby steps, people.
Expect the Unexpected
This funny story also made us giggle hard. Aubri Greig Armitage divulged what happened when she asked her toddler about the wet dog:
"Why is the dog's head all wet?"
My three-year-old, standing outside the patio:
"Oh, because I peed on him."
Hey, maybe Fido needed a bath and there wasn't a hose nearby. Dogs lick their own butts, so why is this so repulsive?
Make That a Double
We love the story Tracy H. told Romper about a visit she took to the doctor with her two-year-old son.
At my son's two-year-old checkup, the nurse asks him what he likes to eat. He says, "I like peanut butter and jelly on a pretzel bun. Cheese sticks, grapes and watermelon. Nola bars, too."
She laughs and tells me his vocabulary is great for his age and the doctor will be in shortly. A few minutes later, he turns to me and says, "Hey! When is that lady going to bring my lunch?" I guess he thought he was placing an order.
He thought he was ordering lunch and that's what he chose? At least try and see if they'll bring you ice cream or chocolate cake, kid.
A southern mom in Nashville, Tenn., explained how an "I learned the hard way" speech to her four-year-old daughter didn't go quite as planned.
The girl's response?
"No offense mom, but did you EVER learn anything the easy way?"
Life is hard, indeed. Maybe mom enjoys a challenge.
The Chain of Command
A mom named Dawn shared the straightforward thing her four-year-old said about her role as an authority figure, reports Positive Parenting Solutions,
“You are not the boss! Barack Obama is the boss!”
Actually, Barack would probably say that his wife Michelle is the boss. So there.
Calling It as She Sees It
When BuzzFeed asked its readers to reveal the comical musings of their kids, Valerie Vauclair had no problem talking about an amusing incident that happened once at home.
My two-year-old daughter walked in while I was getting out of the shower. She looked at me and says, "Mama, you're silly. You have a beard on your gina." I about died.
Wonder if she had a "beard of testicles," too?
Looking Up to Dad
Hayley M. found humor in something her daughter said and told Momtastic all about it.
I was talking with a group of other moms about how my baby's teeth are coming in and my three-year-old daughter said, "Well, my daddy has gold teeth. And they're beautiful."
Of course they are, sweetie.
Knowing What You Want
In response to a request from Babble for readers to share their children's funny moments, mom Elana shared her child's resistance to wearing shorts.
"Mommy, I don’t want to wear shorts. I want to wear my LONG-SLEEVED PANTS!"
Geez mom. Just let the kid wear the pants with long sleeves!
It's not just parents who experience child speak that makes them chuckle. Teachers shared their favorite funny student sayings with Takepart, and here are a few of our favorites, starting with Gwen Roll Courtney.
Me: In what country do we live?
Student: ’Tis of thee.
Hey, this student deserves an A for effort. And it's good to know they pay attention, even to the less important things.
Unclear on the Offense
Another teacher, Suzy Hamme, revealed how things went a bit south when she tried to scold a child for inappropriate behavior.
When I reprimanded a second-grader for calling a classmate “Yo! Sexy mama!,” he looked at me, obviously very surprised, and shrugged. "My mom doesn't mind!"
Sure, this is cute now. Just wait until his voice starts changing, and it's super creepy.
It's Not That Bad
We almost couldn't stop laughing after reading this uproarious answer to a question children were asked about dating. GodVine listed several that were funny, but the best answer came from a boy who clearly doesn't have a positive perception of dating.
When asked, What would you do on a first date that was turning sour, 9-year-old Craig replied, "I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."
You and chivalry both, dude.
It’s a Seasonal Thing
When mom Rachelle was on a road trip with her daughter, she learned a good lesson about H2O that she shared with Baby Gizmo.
She explained, "While on a road trip [years ago], my daughter insisted that her bottle of water tasted funny … I asked if it was a new bottle, and she said yes. So, I told her she didn’t have to drink it if she didn’t want to. About 20 minutes later, I hear her exclaim from the back seat, ‘Oooooh … That's Why!’ It says Spring water but it’s Summer!”
Wait until she tries flavored water. Her mind will be totally blown.
Oh, THAT’S What You Meant
Another mom, Megan, shared a funny story about her nephew and his innocent pronunciation of words.
My nephew called for his grandma to come outside to see the boobies. She told him to shush and not to say that again. He’s only two years old. He kept begging her and pulling on her arm, so she finally relented. When they got outside he ran to a blueberry bush and said, “See? Boobies!”
Wonder what grandma was actually expecting to see when she still thought he meant actual boobs...
Patience Is a Virtue
Some kids are not only funny, they are quite insightful. Take this account from Michelle, who told Positive Parenting Solutions about a question her inquisitive child had regarding restaurant servers.
“Why do they call them waiters when we are the ones who wait?”
Hmm...that is indeed a good question. Hope this kid learns the virtue of patience, or there will be many poorly tipped waiters in the future.
That’s Not Exactly How It Works
Teaching children about diversity and self-identity can sometimes be challenging. For instance, when Pam's white son misunderstood the way suntans work.
When my son, who has two white parents, was a toddler, I was giving him a bath during the summer and commented on how tan he was. He said, “Yeah, I know, I think I’m gonna be black when I grow up.”
That's not quite how it works, but at least he understands the progression of color tones.
The Human Body at Its Finest
If there's one subject most kids are fascinated with, it's anatomy and everything related to the functions of the human body. Dad Davis revealed a humorous account of his friend's son watching his mother use the bathroom.
My friend’s son was in the bathroom with her while she was peeing. He said, “Wow! It’s so cool that you poop AND pee out of your butt.”
If only grown ups were as easily impressed with the simple things in life.
One little girl was a bit confused about what a virgin is. Reddit user Princ3ss3lop3 shared the innocent mix up pertaining to the girl's school teacher.
We were bringing lunch to the teachers at school and my daughter announced that we made a special soup for Mr. S because he's a virgin.
Mr. S is a vegan.
In her defense, both virgins and vegans do abstain from certain behaviors, so that's kind of the same thing.
Quite the Disconnect
In another misunderstanding, Reddit user NeckroFeelyAck gave us a dose of the giggles with a story about a confused child who saw a cemetery.
"Dad what's that?"
"That's a cemetery."
"What's a cemetery?"
"That's where they bury dead bodies."
"Oh" (A few minutes pass)
"Where do they bury the heads?"
Just wait until this kid learns about cremation. Everything he thought he knew about dead bodies will go out the window. Err … to the grave.
An Embarrassing Comparison
In case you wonder just how observant kids are, this tale from Reddit user claycat is proof that they see, hear and know way more than we realize.
At the zoo watching a rhino and a young family is next to me. Out of the blue the rhino gets an erection — something brought to my attention by the young boy yelling, "Whoa, look at his wiener! Is yours that big daddy?" The father turned bright red while the mother laughed her ass off.
That just might have been the day that boy got the "size doesn't matter" pep talk.
Rules Are Hard to Understand
It's always wonderful when children display signs of knowledge. But sometimes they take things too literally. Just ask slardybartfast8 from Reddit, who took a PSA about drinking and driving a bit too boldly during childhood.
When I was a little kid my mom told me I once burst out crying in the middle of a drive somewhere. She asked what was wrong and I said, "The TV always said you should never drink and drive!"
She was drinking 7 Up. Those commercials never tell kids not to drink alcohol while driving. Just don’t drink and drive. Pretty understandable for a kid to get confused.
You know, this kid is right. Shame on you, advertisers, for not clarifying.
A Compliment Gone Awry
Kids are so honest. Reddit user Assrocket33r gave a perfect example of this.
My partner's five-year-old daughter was watching me do my makeup in the mirror and she said, "You look like an angel."
That's the sweetest thing she's ever said to me, so I gushed like a teenage girl and thanked her with a big grin on my face.
Then she elaborated: "You look like you're dead."
Well, an angel of death is an angel nonetheless.
Confidence at a Young Age
Teachers hear an awful lot of hilarious musings in their classrooms. Check out this bit from a kindergarten teacher who responded to a Rasmussen poll that asked teachers to share their favorite classroom stories.
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of kids while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, “I'm drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
Aren't children's imaginations just magnificent?
A Question on Religion
Even for adults, religion can be a complex thing to understand. We totally get why Reddit user Little Tinker found this story amusing.
My sister, who had been learning about different religions, sat on my nan’s lap and in all earnestness asked her, “Are you a Catholic or a prostitute?”
Don't read this girl the story of Mary Magdalene. That will confuse her even more.
Taking Care of Business
"Monkey see, monkey do" is definitely true when it comes to children. Whether it's by their parents influence or something on the outside, kids are like little sponges and take everything in. That's why this story from Friendaim on Reddit comes as no surprise.
When my daughter was three, she walked into the bedroom wearing a shirt, undies, no pants, Barbie high heels and a carrier bag on her shoulder. I asked her where she was going and she said, “To work and then to Weight Watchers.”
Hey, at least she already has a good work ethic.
Can’t You Just Buy One?
If you're wondering how young is too young to start talking to your kids about the human body, the answer is they can never be too young. Take this story, for example, that Crystal shared with Baby Gizmo.
I was going to the bathroom when my two-year-old son said, “Mommy, you don’t have a penis?” I replied,“No,” and he said, “It’s ok, we can go to the store and buy you one.”
And this is (among other reasons) why moms like to pee alone!
A Bald Truth
Another mom, Laura, told Baby Gizmo about a time when her son belted out a harsh truth based on something he learned at school.
My first grader was learning about reptiles, mammals and amphibians at school. At the dinner table he blurts out, “Uncle Dan and Chuck are reptiles.” I asked him why he would say something like that and he said, “We learned today that reptiles have no hair!”
Maybe he should ask Uncle Dan and Chuck to take off their shirts and then see if he still stands by that statement.
Religion Is Really Confusing
A mom was driving her son to his Christian preschool one day when he asked her to explain more about God.
I was telling my son that God is everywhere, but we can't see him.
"He's in the trees, and in the sky and in everything that exists."
My son, perplexed by God's omnipresence, called out, "Stop camouflaging, God!"
Don't worry, that little girl at the other school will draw you a picture of God because she knows what He looks like.
Planets Can Be Funny, Too
Significant others aren't the only ones who have pet names for each other. Meganmarie42 divulged on Reddit a funny story that came about from her and her son's term of endearment for one another.
My son and I call each other “poop face” … not sure how it started, but anyway, one day we were having our normal back and forth and I said, “You are such a poop face. I can smell you from all the way over here”.
He responded, “Oh yeah? Can you smell me from Canada?” And I said, “Yes, I can even smell you from the moon!“ His response was, “Can you smell me from Uranus?”
I died. They had been learning about space in school, and I guess Uranus stood out to him. He asked me why I was laughing because he had no idea why it was funny.
I mean, who's the child and who's the adult here?