How to Be a Good Mom According to a Fourth Grader
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I've been a parent for nine years so far. I'd like to think I'm doing a good job, but I feel like I won't know for sure until she's 25 and has discussed my shortcomings at length with her therapist.
We'd all probably have better relationships with our kids, and our mothers, if parents were able to take constructive criticism as readily as we dole it out. For that reason, I sat down with my 9-year-old to get her take on what it means to be a good mom– And to hopefully find out how I'm doing in the process.
She was delighted to share her two cents, but full disclosure? Despite the incentive of boba, she left the coffee shop four times to pet random dogs walking by, almost tipped over her chair thrice, and almost spilled the aforementioned boba onto my keyboard.
Me: You would have been fired at least six times during the writing of this post.
Her response: Good.
Me: How will you pay your bills?
Her: I'll build a treehouse in my friend’s yard and plant seeds to grow my own food.
Homeless, but sustainable. I can live with that. Without further ado, keep reading to find out how your parenting skills stack up according to someone who hasn't yet hit double digits.
Teach Your Child How to Not Miss the Potty
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Fourth grade logic: Teaching your child to use the toilet is important because if they miss, they’ll step on it on the way out and you’ll have to clean it up.
A parent's perspective: No disagreements here. If only she could teach her 78 year old uncle to do the same, we'd be golden. Less golden, rather.
How I'm doing, according to my kid: 10/10 (I'd hope so...)
Get Your Child a Pet To Entertain Them So They Will Leave You Alone
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Fourth grade logic: When kids don’t leave their parents alone, parents will get mad, so get them a pet. Hamsters, birds, not puppies, wait, yes puppies, not cats because they pee on everything … if they’re cute and fun for kids to play with, they’re a good pet. Give them a checklist of things to do to take care of their pet with a reward if they do a good job. No pet alligators.
A parent's perspective: I'm on the fence about this one. Overall, pets are a quintessential part of growing up, and kids can learn so much from having one. That's why we've had way too many. The entertainment factor might free up some time for mom, in theory, but the amount of parental guidance and assistance required to get kids to consistently help care for pets balances that out. Still worth it. As for the alligators, agreed.
How I'm doing, according to my kid: 8/10
Make Sure They Have Good Friends To Play With at School
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Fourth grade logic: Your child won’t want to go to school if they are lonely and don’t feel good about themselves if they don’t have friends. Parents can help by talking with their kids and encouraging them to be kind and ask if kids want to be their friend. If they say no, just ask someone else.
A parent's perspective: Totally agree. It's so easy as a busy adult with big, grownup problems to forget that kids have problems to deal with too. When you're nine, not understanding your math homework, forgetting your lunch, or not having anyone to sit with at snack counts as a big problem. Feeling like you don't fit it is hard at any age, and building social skills early will have ripple effects later in life. Helping your kids to get comfortable putting themselves out there, practicing empathy, learning to be a good friend, and figuring out how to cope with rejection is just as important as that math lesson.
How I'm doing, according to my kid: 9/10
Make Sure They Sleep Well at Night
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Fourth grade logic: If they don’t get enough sleep, they’ll be cranky in the morning and not want to do anything. Make sure they’re warm and comfy and get to bed early. Leave enough time to read out loud to them, and let them have a squishy, soft, fluffy stuffy to feel safe. Tuck them in extra tight so they won’t think the monsters can get in.
A parent's perspective: Truth. Weekday mornings are hectic enough without someone losing it over putting on pants. Yes, this has happened. We had one weekday movie night, and never again. She tried on every pair of pants she owns. They were all wrong, except for a pair of sweatpants covered in strawberry jam. Good sleep is a game changer for the whole family, so make it a priority.
Also, let them be little. If a lovey helps them fall asleep, even when they're 14, there's nothing wrong with it. You're never too old for stuffies, and you're never too old for snuggles, stories, and someone to reassure you that the monsters won't get you during the night. Your kids probably won't still climb into your bed during a thunderstorm when they're 16.
Appreciate that, for now, your hugs are enough to make them feel safe, because that won't last forever.
How I'm doing, according to my kid: 10/10
Spend Time With Your Child
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Fourth grade logic: If you don’t, they’ll think you don’t love them. Take them to a playground, go shopping with them, anything that involves having fun. Don’t bring your friends or be distracted. Just spend time together!
A parent's perspective: She's right, and I need to work on this one for sure. It's a struggle to juggle everything you have going on yourself, but if you're making time for work, errands, and everything else on your to do list, but never seem to have time to go to the park and play, what does that tell a grade schooler?
We do spend time together, of course, but our happiest moments are the ones in which my phone is off, my to do list is tossed in a drawer, and I let her introduce me to her surprisingly cool world of being a fourth grader. I also forgot how much fun it is to make believe. I have so much to remember, and so much to learn.
How I'm doing, according to my kid: 9/10
Do Not Give Them Coffee
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Fourth grade logic: If you do, they’ll get hyper and they’ll bounce off the walls and be crazy. Fresh squeezed orange juice without added sugar is better. Or boba.
A parent's perspective: No idea why any sane parent would do this unless their level of self-loathing is through the roof. Down for smoothies and boba, though. I hide kale, an assortment of seeds, and Greek yogurt in the smoothies. Don't tell her.
How I'm doing, according to my kid: 10/10
When They Make Mistakes, Don’t Yell at Them
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Fourth grade logic: They’ll think they’re in big trouble even though you’re just frustrated with them. If they are in trouble, be calm, cool and confident. Yelling just makes you feel sad and like they don’t love you. Even if they are in major trouble, make sure you don’t insult them or make them feel like they aren’t good.
A parent's perspective: I've always tried to live by this piece of advice, but I haven't always succeeded. Sorry, kiddo. You're totally right, and it's so easy for parents to forget how the way we speak to our kids impacts how they view themselves. Two of the phrases above have been sitting with me all day: That yelling makes kids feel like their parents don't love them, and harsh criticism makes them feel like "they aren't good." Let that sink in.
If the sentence, "What is wrong with you?" has ever entered your parenting vocabulary, delete it now.
How I'm doing, according to my kid: 8/10
Make Compromises
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Fourth grade logic: If you don’t, you’ll just get into a big fight. If you’re too strict and don’t let them explain how they feel or ask questions, they won’t understand why they’re in trouble.
A parent's perspective: Controversial opinion, but parenting works best when you aim to lead by example and teach, not control. Obviously, there are times when rules and consequences have to be enforced, but the point is to prepare our kids for success in real life, not to make them feel like garbage. If we don't let them ever question us, we're missing out on a major growth opportunity.
Learning to respectfully voice their opinions is a valuable interpersonal skill, and home is the perfect place to practice. Additionally, we're sending some serious mixed messages if we expect them to mindlessly obey orders at home, and think for themselves elsewhere. Try striking a balance so that you kids have structure, but still feel that their perspective matters.
How I'm doing, according to my kid: 10/10
Make Sure They Have What They Need Before Homework Time
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Fourth grade logic: If they don’t, they’ll be distracted and get into a fight because they’re hungry, tired, or need a break. Check in with them first to see how they’re doing with their school day, and if they’re tired, give them extra help. Some of the time, we just get stuck on something easy even though we’re trying.
A parent's perspective: This is a really good point. I think it's easy as an adult to minimize the challenges that kids experience every day. If parents need some time to unwind after work, it makes sense that our kids need the same. When your child is tired, zoned out, or starving, homework time is considerably more frustrating for all parties involved.
If homework is a constant battle, try adding a fun, low key after school ritual to the mix. Leave 30 minutes of free time to share a snack, go for a walk, or whatever it is they need to recharge, before tackling that vocab study guide.
How I'm doing, according to my kid: 10/10
Make Clothing Choices Together
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Fourth grade logic: When kids pick their own clothes out, things can go crazy and clothes will be out all over their rooms, and sometimes their outfits can be mismatched and look crazy. Parents should help by letting them pick out part of their outfit and helping with the rest.
A parent's perspective: I can agree with this one about 75%. I love the idea of giving kids space to explore their own style and assert their independence, paired with some help from parents while they're still learning how to put together outfits.
In our house, however, outfit selection can take too much time. Outfits are picked out the night before, but whatever was chosen in advance isn't always pleasing to the fickle wearer at 7:15 the next morning. You know, right when we're trying to get in the car and avoid getting a tardy slip. So yes, it should be a joint effort, but when time is of the essence, parents need to have veto power. No, you're not changing again. I'm sorry your socks feel weird, but unless you're naked, just get in the car.
How I'm doing, according to my kid: 10/10
Try To Stay in a Good Mood
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Fourth grade logic: If you don’t, your child will start to feel distracted and worried about what’s wrong or if they’re in trouble. If you are upset, take a break! Relax, watch a show, read a book or do something with your child.
A parent's perspective: I understand exactly how this feels. You know when you're in a good mood, but someone else in the house is walking around complaining under their breath? Even if it has nothing to do with you, it feels like it does, and it makes it hard to relax.
If the stressed out person is your parent, feeling anxious is a perfectly logical response. What's wrong? Did I do something? Why is she mad? Not fun, and it might very well result in a kid feeling spacey, jittery, and more prone to melting down. As tough as it is, try to check your stressors at the door. We're our kids' role model for managing emotions, so try to set an example by practicing healthy coping techniques and good communication.
How I'm doing, according to my kid: 8/10
Make Home a Fun Place To Be
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Fourth grade logic: Going to school can be hard, just like going to work for kids. When you go home, it should be a fun place to be. Let them call their best friend, play, and don’t get mad all the time.
A parent's perspective: This. The last thing kids need is to get through a tough day and come home to more stress. Yes, homework and chores need to get done, but there's a difference between enforcing rules, and making a kid feel like they're perpetually in trouble.
Home is the place that we should all feel the safest and most comfortable unwinding, sharing our feelings, and being ourselves. Make sure it stays that way.
How I'm doing, according to my kid: 10/10
Before You Get Annoyed, Make Sure Your Child Understands What You Want
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Fourth grade logic: Sometimes, kids don’t understand what you’re telling them to do. Before you get mad at them for breaking rules or not doing what you asked, make sure they understood what you wanted.
A parent's perspective: I needed this reminder. As kids get older, it's easy to forget that they're not mini adults. They still have so much to learn, including things that seem like common sense to grownups. Before you reprimand them for not meeting your expectations, make sure they had the tools they needed to do so. If they don't, you basically set them up to fail. Totally not fair.
How I'm doing, according to my kid: 7/10
Don’t Judge Them When They Break Rules
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Fourth grade logic: If you judge them, they might start doing more bad things and not listening to you. We’re kids. You’re supposed to teach us, so if we don’t listen it’s your fault and there’s nothing you can do about it. Dun dun DUUUUN… (in her over-the-top music voice)
A parent's perspective: Melodramatic way of explaining it, but I get where she's coming from. Parents, if you've never made a bad decision, stop reading. I'm assuming everyone is still here, because as far as I know, we're all human. Kids are going to make bad decisions now and then.
If we respond to every mistake by acting like they're bad kids for messing up, they'll start to get the idea that they're not capable of doing better. Instead, make sure the punishment fits the crime. Emphasize that everyone makes mistakes, and now they have a chance to learn from this one and do better next time. #growthmindset
How I'm doing, according to my kid: 8/10
Remember That Sometimes, Kids Don’t Make Sense
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Fourth grade logic: "Yaboobity doobity boodily doooooo." (I promised I would quote that exactly.) When kids don’t make sense, they’re just being themselves. They don’t know what some words mean, they don’t know what to do all the time, and they don’t know about life, basically. Ask your kids questions so you understand them. Then, you can explain things in a way they can understand.
A parent's perspective: Out of the mouth of babes. I didn't expect a nine year old to be so self aware, but here we are. Kids don't always make sense, and they're not supposed to. Life doesn't always make sense. We're all out here mucking about, trying to figure out how to live. Kids have decades less experience to go on, and considerably less frontal lobe development to guide their next move.
Cut 'em some slack. Sometimes, they'll do things like yell, "yaboobity doobity" in a coffee shop, and the next, they'll say something wise beyond their years. Thanks for the insight, kiddo. This is my first time living too, and I'm glad we get to keep learning how to do that together.
How I'm doing, according to my kid: Heegadooopbadaboop10/10