Hilarious One-Star Yelp Reviews of Family Theme Parks
Despite your best intentions, it's inevitable that a family trip to the theme parks won't go according to plan. Maybe somebody gets sick or the weather doesn’t cooperate or your favorite ride gets shut down after you waited an hour to enjoy it. Whatever the case, part of going to a big theme park is knowing that there are plenty of things that could go awry and doing your best to roll with the punches.
However, sometimes, things go so terribly amiss that you feel the need to take to Yelp and write an angry review. Luckily, even in the heat of the review-writing moment, many people manage to keep their senses of humor intact. So, these reviews can be not only helpful but also pretty hilarious.
Here are some of the most entertaining and funny one-star reviews of some of the most beloved theme parks across the U.S.
Universal Studios Florida: “Just Go to the Movies”
“This park is very overrated. I can't believe people pay so much money for virtual rides. There is only one real roller in the park. After two virtual rides, they are all the same. Save your money, and just go to the movies and splash some water on your face." — Toya W.
If splashing water on your face is as fun as this customer claims, then every night before bed should be all thrills.
Hershey Park: “Only One Funnel Cake Place”
“Why is there only one funnel cake place here, and there is only three flavors? I had my clothes in a locker, came back, and they were gone.” — Daryea J.
This branded theme park in Hershey, Pa., is like Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory come to life for most people, but non-chocolate fans have other priorities. And it does feel like a theme park built on an empire of chocolate and sugar should probably have more than just three funnel cake options.
LEGOLAND Florida Resort: “A Poor Attempt”
“Only good if you live under a rock and don’t know any better. A poor attempt to be a theme park.” — Steve M.
Kids go crazy for this Lego-inspired park, located in Winter Haven, Fla., but not everyone understands why. At least this reviewer recognizes that there might be a certain type of person who is so entertainment deprived that they might actually appreciate the park.
LEGOLAND California Resort: “Diabolical Carnies”
“Never again. This place is everything I hate about capitalism. A diabolical carny running one of the games lied to my five-year-old and swore she would give her a stuffed unicorn if we gave her $10 to play a game we didn't even want to play and then insisted that she had never said that and made my little girl cry. I promise she really told us that in no uncertain terms.
Then, they wanted almost $5 for a refill of iced tea. Lines were terrible. People were cranky. Felt like a dehumanized wallet. They can keep their bad unicorns and their watered-down tea. We're going back to Disneyland where nobody ever leaves crying.” — Whatever A.
Apparently, the LEGOLAND on the West Coast doesn’t fare much better. It’s understandable that an interaction like this might turn you off from the park, but it might be a bit of a stretch to assume nobody ever leaves Disneyland crying.
Cedar Point: “Waiting in Line”
“Should be called ‘Cedar waiting in line all f***ing day and ride 2 rides.’ Thanks for nothing.” — Brian L.
Instead of calling this Sandusky, Ohio, amusement park, “America’s Roller Coast,” this unhappy reviewer has a much more accurate — and explicit — title.
Six Flags Discovery Kingdom: “Left the Park ‘Hangry’”
“I want to start off by saying we are season pass holders. This last visit I left the park ‘hangry’ after waiting for lunch for over an hour and waited for over 30 min for dinner or a snack without getting food. Waiting an outrageous time for everything seemed to be the theme of the day. Half of the food places were closed, which made wait times outrageous, and the last place, the crepe shack, wasn't even trying to take orders. The lady stocked spoons instead of helping customers.” — Christina P.
This Vallejo, Calif., amusement park will never be amusing if people keep leaving “hangry.”
Sesame Place: “Not for Homeless”
“Too many kids ... but it was still a fun place to get drunk and fight single mothers. I also didn't like how people keep correcting me that it wasn't ‘Sesame Street; it's Sesame PLACE.’ Like I care. I'm just trying to live my life the way I want. But the worst part is when every time I took a nap some dude wakes me up by squirting narcan up my nose. Like, hey, I'm just napping! Over all this is not a good place for homeless people." — Blob F.
This “Place” in Langhorne, Pa., is inspired by “Sesame Street,” but this reviewer certainly doesn’t care about its name. It’s unclear if this is a review from an actual homeless person or a creative criticism about the nature of the types of people you might find at the park. Either way, it’s pretty entertaining.
Knott’s Berry Farm: “Money Grubbing”
“The most money grubbing place I've been to, and I'm from Las Vegas. They are so concerned about safety that they forgot about customer service. At the makeshift buffet that was set up that was included in our package, there is no way it would pass health inspection, and they gave us plastic plates and silverware.
I lost my shit when we went to the Scary Farm for Halloween. I was not permitted entry because I had a cat ears headband, tail and paw gloves, bright eye makeup and a black nose. So, we had to go back to hotel and change. When we finally get in, I see why; they wanted you to buy their own face painting and headbands.
DO NOT TAKE ANYTHING ON THE LOG RIDE! This ride somehow slipped past the safety nazi because it was the most treacherous thing — no seat belts! We almost fell out of the ride. Don’t let children go alone.” — Tina C.
This 57-acre theme park in Buena Park, Calif., has humble roots as a berry farm, but that may have changed. You know things are bad when someone from Las Vegas calls you out for being money hungry.
Victorian Gardens: “Obsolete Rides”
“Want obsolete rides in an area the size of a small parking lot? Desire rip-off prices at today’s rates? Crave crap ‘food’ in miniscule portions? Well my friend, have I got a locale for YOU ...
It's called Victorian Gardens, and it's where Wollman Rink is. In the summer. This place is so pathetic, it's defies description. Go to Coney Island, it's famous for a reason. Thank you.” — Cary G.
This theme park located in New York’s Central Park gave this reviewer enough inspiration to write a not-so-nice commercial for the theme park.
Dutch Wonderland: “Nothing for Adults”
“Thank you for charging us $43 a piece to allow us the privilege of supervising children in a park with literally NOTHING for adults. I really enjoy spending $100 for two people to stand around and do nothing. What a rip off.” — J J.
If you don’t find watching children play at theme parks entertaining, this family theme park in Lancaster, Pa., is obviously not the place for you.
Busch Gardens Williamsburg: “Vegans Need to Eat”
“VEGANS NEED TO EAT, TOO. If you’re vegan, I’m sorry. Sneak in Chipotle. I do it every time. They’re also terrible at checking bags!!” — Katelyne A.
Not offering vegan options is simply unacceptable … at least to this hungry, plant-based reviewer. The silver lining is that the employees are also terrible at checking bags.
Busch Gardens Tampa: “Would Rather Watch Paint Dry”
“I can gladly say if the option of watching paint dry whilst listening to ‘I Want My Baby Back’ by Jimmy Cross or go to Busch Gardens for the day, I would gladly choose the paint-drying option and Jimmy Cross music. Busch Gardens has to be the biggest waste of time since Tim Tebow’s attempt at an NFL career.
To start, some roller coasters were literally closed at 1 p.m. Okay, well that's awesome due to the fact they have a total of six rides. Secondly, if you want to see animals and go on maybe two rides then yeah go ahead and waste $90 for the day. Thirdly, everything in the gift shop and markets were absurdly overpriced. Busch Gardens already robs you of your time and money, least they can do is reduce some prices.
The ‘roller coasters’ are more so geared to nine-year-olds; a newborn baby may actually be safe on these ‘roller coasters.’ While I don't advise to bring your baby on roller coasters, any young child wanting to overcome their fear of roller coasters, this is the place for you!
Alright, so I wouldn't waste my money ever again at this garbage amusement park, some roller coasters were closed, and all the roller coaster are not thrill seeking at all. Save the $90, take the kids to the Buccaneers practice for free, get some autographs, grab dinner and call it a day. PASS ON BUSCH GARDENS.” — J.j. S.
When someone says they’d rather listen to an annoyingly repetitive song while watching paint dry rather than visit this park again, you know they must be seriously frustrated.
SeaWorld San Diego: “Turned Me Off of Chicken”
“I hate to have to leave this, but SeaWorld pulled a scam running billboards near the L.A. area, advertising Rudolph this Christmas. The Rudolph experience runs only a few times a day, and you would be better off watching it at home. The only special effects are soap suds and red lights in a theater. Christmastown is especially weak. The donut holes came right out of a freezer. The food at the park might have been the worst I ever had. I found a hair in my two-year-old's chicken tenders, and the rotisserie chicken I ordered might have turned me off of chicken for 2019. We won't be going again. If you need one more Christmas fix and are from L.A., save your time and money and go to Knott's Berry Farm. SeaWorld really blows.” — D.S.
San Diego’s SeaWorld has gotten a lot of flack for the captivity of whales, but turning this customer off chicken in a place filled with marine life seems difficult to do.
Disneyland Resort: “Able to Take Magic to Hell”
“Wow — you money-grubbing hunger bitches. I am impressed with your greed. You were able to take magic to hell in less than a second. Shame on you, and pox on your family.” — Erin L.
This is probably not the “Happiest Place on Earth” attitude that Walt Disney was looking for when he built the first of many Disney parks in Anaheim, Calif.
Dollywood: “Disney Prices, Flea Market Entertainment”
“Disney Prices for flea market entertainment. Dolly Parton is a lovely human being, but this theme park sucks out loud.” — Seth S.
This customer at Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, Tenn., was certainly not happy. At least at a flea market, you could maybe negotiate the price?
Six Flags Great Adventure: “Everyone Had to Get Off”
“Felt like I got mugged. Went to water park, half of the rides were closed. What was open had, as a result, super long lines. Waited almost an hour for one, just to reach the top and be told it was being shut down. Everyone had to get off. Lazy river closed, even wave pool. Literally stayed in the kiddie area most of the time. Food was SUPER overpriced. Got two steak and cheeses, two slices of pizza and two drinks for $80. I love water parks and have been to many on the East Coast. This one is by far the worst. Not worth the $80 per ticket.” — Steve S.
My guess is that people who have actually been mugged wouldn’t describe it as anything like a disappointing theme park experience — even if it is at Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson, N.J.
Carowinds: “Can’t Do Basic Math”
“Lose a few teeth, miss a payment on your single wide and you can afford a season pass to the white trash version of Six Flags. This not-so-amusing amusement park features long lines to ride Nascar-themed roller coasters, dirty walkways, subpar food options and a truly redneck experience appropriate for the Carolinas. The ride operators don't appear to have above a seventh grade education, and the concession stand workers can't do basic math. My favorite day was when I ordered a soda during the heat of summer and got a flat cup of cola with no ice. They were out of ice. The only thing this place is missing is a tractor pull and a hepatitis vaccination.” — TM R.
Between the clientele descriptions, the flat soda and suggesting a vaccination, this is quite the novella of frustration. Doubt they’ll go back to Carowinds in Charlotte, N.C.
Six Flags Great America: “Disney Doesn’t Have Balls That Big”
“This is hands down the worst, most run down, poorly staffed and mismanaged amusement park I have ever been to. So many rides were shut down to allow space usage for Fright Fest that they should feel ashamed to charge full price for. The employees are not outgoing and the few interactions I did have were down right rude to put it nicely. Food and drink prices are outrageous, $5 hot chocolate, $15 funnel cakes! Disney doesn't even have balls that big.
The restrooms should have decontamination chambers at the exit. Some have tiles falling off the walls, the cleanliness is sketchy to say the least, and every highway restroom I have ever encountered has been much better maintained than those at this park. The live entertainment was worse than any middle or high school performances you have attended. The 'singers,' if you can call them that, would get booed out of a karaoke bar in the real world. Overall, steer clear of this location unless you have a very specific reason for being there." — David G.
Every step of the way, from the restroom hygiene to the skills of the entertainers, this reviewer has a unique way of describing their experience at this Lake County, Ill., theme park.
Six Flags Magic Mountain: “Aliens?”
“Before you enter this place look at an overhead shot at surroundings and decide for yourself what all that nuclear shit is doing there. I will take pictures next time I'm on my motorcycle or 911 when I speed through. This is also the place the Santa Clarita wash runs through.
All I'm saying people is don't be naive, not everything you see or hear about is what it advertised. They don't want you to know for instance if they're a secret governments project. Do you people know of Area 51? It could be some type of secret society wanting to guard their evil as they have for centuries. Aliens? How bout some type of h-wood set or stage.” — Kash A.
This one-star review has less to do with the park itself and more to do with the story behind the park that they don’t want you to know…
California’s Great America: “Prostitutes and Assholes”
“Seems like this park is just a place where 10-year-olds dress like prostitutes, and assholes cut in line.” — Camille L.
Hopefully, this review is hyperbolic on many levels.
Dinosaur World: “The Tyrannosaurus Escaped”
“My friends and I were hoping for a genuine, Dino-tastic experience, and unfortunately left disappointed. We were asked to survey the park before it opened. During the tour, the Tyrannosaurus escaped and flipped our car over. At that moment, our weekend getaway became a desperate game of survival. Thankfully, that same T-Rex also ended up saving us from three hungry Velociraptors by aggressively attacking them for unexplained reasons. The bloody brawl bought us enough time to escape.
I am not planning a second visit. A 2/10 — no Jeff Goldblum.” — Ryan M.
Honestly, the point deductions for no Jeff Goldblum are totally understandable for this Plant City, Fla., theme park.
Blue Bayou Water Park: “Festering Death Trap”
“Gross, over priced, mildew all over the pool deck, incompetent life guards, poor water filtration system. The owner of this water park should start investing in wear-and-tear up keep. This place feels trapped in 1997. I'd rather go to the cool zoo than this festering death trap. Won't be back ever and neither should you.” — Katie D.
Though “bayou” always sounds like it’ll be something cool, this park description surely doesn’t sell the Baton Rouge, La., water park.
Kentucky Kingdom: “Ran Out of Ketchup”
“Ran out of ketchup at one of the food places and ran out of ice and water at one of the other food places! Seriously?!” — John B.
Ice and water are one thing, but honestly who would ever have the audacity to run out of ketchup at a theme park?
Six Flags Over Georgia: “When Does the Fun Start?”
“Lots of time to write today so a good time for a Yelp review. Six Flags spring break? Don’t bother. Have been here for 3 hours so far and haven't gotten on 1 ride. 20 mins to park, 40 mins getting through the gate, 90 minutes waiting for a coaster (not even a good one) before it broke. Now working on 60 mins just to ride Goliath. When does the fun start? — Ben C.
At least this unhappy customer had enough time to write a Yelp review...
Worlds of Fun: “Like a State Fair, But With None of the Charm”
“So underwhelming. It's a run-down and small like a state fair but with none of the charm and way more expensive. The 'around the world' Epcot knock-off theme might have been entertaining if they put more effort into it than just sticking a Panda Express in the 'Oriental' section. (Side note: Panda Express may be the only halfway edible food you find in the park). I'd complain more about the customer service (lacking to say the least), but the staff is mostly high school kids who must be as miserable as the rest of us, so I'll let it slide. I could go on but I really want to forget this depressing excuse for an amusement park... I only write this as a warning to prospective visitors. Save your time and money!” — Hannah F.
I think we can all agree that this amusement park in Kansas City, Mo., has some dated themes going on from the sound of it.
King’s Dominion: “If Despair Were the Theme”
“You know it was a horrible experience when you bought 2 day passes for your family but collectively decided to throw those passes in the trash after 6 hours. Granted nothing compares to Disneyland, but this place might be the saddest theme park. Actually, if despair were the ‘theme’ then they succeeded quite well.” — Michael B.
Who knows, maybe despair was the theme for this theme park in Doswell, Va.
Epcot: “Here Comes the Sidewalk Nazi”
“Great place to see... but the staff is very unfriendly. They don't allow enough viewing area to see the globe and fireworks... yet when u try to stop, here comes the Sidewalk Natzi; they tell you to keep moving when there is no one walking by...
Then, the night of New Years, we are sitting in a 'zoned off area' for traffic, and you guessed it, the Sidewalk Nazi shows up to make every man, woman and child stand… no reason given, just cause they said. Stay away from here on a holiday; they can't handle the crowd they want to get; not worth the hipe… stay home and watch the NY ball drop.” — Christopher S.
Well, at least the customers and staff are so close that they have nicknames for one another, right?
Silver Dollar City: “If You Are a Redneck…”
“If you are a redneck, you have found paradise. There are more people in motorized scooters than any place in the world, including Walmart. Good place to people watch. I will say rides are decent.” — Andy S.
Hey, what’s wrong with motorized scooters? This visitor to the Branson, Mo., theme park seems to think there’s a lot wrong!
Children’s Fairyland: “Thought We Were Pedophiles”
“Adults who want to revisit their childhood memories of Fairyland are not allowed in unless they are bringing children with them. Seriously! Stay away! My wife and I were coldly told we were not allowed in to Fairyland because ‘adults without children are not allowed.’ We found this outrageous and embarrassing, being treated like they thought we were pedophiles or like we don't know how to behave around children. Fairyland, your policy stinks, and you've now ruined what were once wonderful parts of my childhood.” — Andy M.
We’re guessing that childhood memory from this storybook-themed park in Oakland, Calif., wouldn’t have been the same anyways.