14 Signs Your Partner’s Cheating (and What to Do)
You have a sneaky suspicion that your partner’s cheating on you. You can’t confront without proof, but you don’t want to live in this state of limbo anymore.
What can you do?
You can review these 14 signs of cheating and see if any apply. Some of these signs, on their own, are perfectly innocent. Emotional distance may be caused by stress, for instance, but emotional distance and suspicious phone calls spell trouble. If you recognize four or more of these signs, your partner may be cheating, but we’re here to offer guidance on next steps before you start to panic.
They’ve Become Emotionally Distant
There are three major indicators that your partner is being emotionally distant, but a lack of intimacy or sexual activity is likely the most cause for concern. After all, emotional distance could be due to several reasons — work, kids, health problems, you name it.
But it may also mean that one partner has already checked out of the relationship. Unless both of you are willing to work on it, it’s not going to get better.
What to Do
Speak to your partner. Tell them that you feel a growing distance between you two. Ask them if they feel the same.
Find out if they’re willing to work on it. If they feel invested in the romance, they’ll make an effort. If not, it’s time to plan your exit strategy.
You Have a Gut Feeling They’re Unfaithful
Before we go further, you must do some soul searching. Is this a feeling that you’ve had of every other partner? Did you feel this way from the beginning, or is it a new feeling?
The purpose of introversion here is to ensure that you’re not bringing your old baggage to this relationship.
What to Do
If you’re not jealous by nature and sure that this isn’t due to old baggage, look for more signs. We often ignore our intuition in our personal lives to avoid discomfort. That’s not a good move. If you feel this way, there is something wrong with your relationship.
A loving relationship is one where both partners trust one another.
They Spend Less Time With You
In the early part of the relationship, you want to spend every second together. Over time, that enthusiasm wanes a little. You still want to spend time together, but it doesn’t have to be every moment.
Where this becomes problematic is when your partner stops asking to do things together. They’re always too busy to do something that you enjoy. They might cancel on you often.
What to Do
Speak to your partner. Tell them that you miss spending time with them. Find out if there’s a way for you two to get together more often.
If the relationship is still good, they’ll want to work on this. If not, they might want to spend time with other people.
They Encourage You to Go Out With Other People
If someone loves you, they don’t mind if you go out with your friends once in a while. In fact, having other bonds will likely have a positive influence on your relationship.
But this can get dangerous when your partner encourages you to do so instead of spending time together. Going out every Friday and Saturday night and leaving your partner at home isn’t healthy. You need to ask yourself, “Why do they want me out of the way?”
What to Do
You don’t need to be the couple that never shows up without the other, but you should share activities. If your partner hates clubbing, go to a movie together instead. Explain to your partner that you’d rather spend more time with them, no matter what the activity.
If they don’t want to spend more time with you or still insist on plenty of “alone time,” watch out.
They’re Making Big Schedule Changes
The stereotypical cheater works late every night. It’s an accurate stereotype — cheaters often use work to cover up their extramarital activities. It’s not the only sign to watch out for, though. Any distinct changes to their schedule might indicate a problem.
Maybe it’s taking an hour to run to the corner store today. Tomorrow the queue at the drug store will be extremely long. You get the picture — they’re carving out a few minutes here and there to spend time with someone else.
What to Do
You could try to accompany your partner when they run an errand. If they say they’re going to the grocery store, tell them you’ll come with. Make up a reason like you need a few things or want to get out of the house.
If they seem panicked or try hard to dissuade you, it’s a bad sign. If they say that it’s OK, watch if they make any calls or send text messages.
They Are Secretive About Where They’ve Been
Again, do some soul-searching here. We all know someone who wanted to know how their partner spent every second of the day. So, in the end, their partner stopped telling them their whereabouts.
This example is a legitimate reaction to an overbearing partner (and this relationship warrants an entirely different article). What we’re talking about is when they disappear for hours and don’t tell you where they were or what they were doing and act annoyed with you for even asking.
What to Do
Speak to them about it. Explain that you’re interested in their lives and would like to know how their day went. It’s a reasonable request as long as you don’t expect a minute-by-minute update.
If they get very defensive or say something like, “You think I’m cheating on you,” well, maybe they are.
Some Secretive Calls or Messages
If the phone rings and your partner looks panicked but doesn’t answer it, something’s up. If they won’t leave their phone unattended for a second, it’s not a good sign. The final thing to look out for is if they always lock their phone at home.
If it’s a business phone, it could be to protect proprietary information. More often than not, though, it’s to hide something. If you previously knew the password, and they changed it without a good reason, something’s wrong.
What to Do
Start keeping a record of these calls and how often they happen. When do they occur?
If they never come through during the weekend or on weeknights, when you’re presumably around, it could be their fling calling.
They No Longer Share Their Feelings
Not sharing feelings is often a sign that the person has checked out emotionally. And we’re not just talking about feelings about you or the relationship. Are they not discussing feelings about work, their extended family or even their passions like, say, politics?
If they’re not, this begs the question: Have they found someone else to talk to?
What to Do
Try to initiate these talks at appropriate times. You might start by discussing some of your feelings about a specific topic. Then, you could ask if they ever felt the same. Explain that you’d like to connect at a deeper level again.
If they’re not interested in doing so, they probably have a new confidante.
They Seem Anxious and Tired All the Time
Now, granted, you’ll need to see other signs in addition to this one. People may be tired and anxious because of stress at work or you know, life. If their job’s going well or their workload hasn’t increased much, though, it could be a red flag.
It’s tiring to cheat. They have to cover their tracks, and that means remembering lies. Most cheaters worry about getting caught, and that’s emotionally draining.
What to Do
Speak to them about their day. Ask them what’s on their mind. There might be a simple explanation that doesn’t involve cheating.
If not, look for some of the other warning signs mentioned.
They’ve Upgraded Their Look
Yes, your partner might just want to boost their confidence.
But it can be problematic if all of a sudden they seem overly concerned about how they look.
What to Do
Think back to when you two started dating and how your partner presented themself.
If you see similar grooming patterns now, it could mean they’ve found someone else.
They Spend More Time With a New Friend Than With You
If that friend’s a member of the opposite sex, it’s not a great sign. Even if they’re the same sex, it shows that something is wrong.
What is your partner getting from this person that they can’t get from you?
What to Do
Try to get to know the other person. Invite them to your home. Suggest that the three of you go out together.
If your partner’s cheating on you, they’ll resent the intrusion. If the person is a friend, they’ll be happy to include them in your joint life.
Your Partner Spends Increasing Amounts of Time With Their Ex
This is a tricky one, especially if they have children together. They might have a good friendship. Where it’s problematic is when this relationship changes. If your partner spends more and more time with their ex, it could be meaningful.
Another warning sign here is if they change how they talk about their ex. Do they defend their actions when you challenge them when before they didn’t?
What to Do
Again, try to make friends with the ex. See if there’s a way to see them together. Invite the ex to dinner. You’ll soon see whether or not there’s an old spark. If your partner doesn’t want to invite the ex, get suspicious.
If they’re already spending so much time with the ex innocently, what does a change in location matter?
They Are Critical and Accuse You of Cheating
Don’t walk away, run away. According to 2Date4Love experts, this is a huge red flag. This move is a classic of cheaters. They feel guilty for cheating, so they see the “signs” of it everywhere. You might work late one night, and they’ll accuse you of sleeping with your boss.
This projection makes you defensive and lets them feel a bit better about themselves. Increasing criticism may even be a way to justify cheating. They’ll use excuses like, “I have no emotional support at home.”
What to Do
There’s a distinction here between jealousy and projection. If your partner has always accused you of looking at other people or has serious emotional baggage, they might not be cheating. If it’s relatively new behavior, and you’ve done nothing wrong, it’s a good sign they’re cheating.
In either instance, this indicates an unhealthy relationship. So, it’s time to look for an exit strategy.
There’s Suspicious Activity on Their Phone
We’re torn here. We don’t want to recommend that you go through your partner’s phone. It signals a complete lack of trust. If they’re innocent, you’ll feel better. If they catch you, they’ll be upset. If they’re guilty, they’ll put you on the defensive for flipping through their phone.
So, as an absolute last resort — i.e., several other signs of cheating have been determined — you can take a casual glance at your partner’s phone if they leave it lying around. Look through the messages, emails and browser history. If you find proof, take pictures with your phone.
What to Do
You’ll have to confront them if you find proof. Tell them upfront that you went through their phone because you felt that things in the relationship were off.
You’ll then have to decide if you want to work things out or start over.
How to Handle Cheating in 6 Steps
By now, you should be able to recognize the signs if your partner is cheating on you.
So, what's next?
You might decide not to confront your partner at all, but if you do, we recommend taking the following six steps. And remember that, whichever route you choose, this incident doesn’t define your life. You will recover in time.
Step One
Your heart’s taken a beating. It’s essential to allow yourself to calm down before you do anything else. Don’t tell anyone outside one or two trusted advisors.
Airing the sordid details on social media won’t make you feel better. It’ll just make you look petty and give them a reason to say, “You can now see why I cheated.”
Step Two
Stop wondering what you did wrong. There’s never an excuse for cheating. If your partner felt that something was missing in your relationship, they should’ve told you. One person is seldom entirely to blame.
A caring person works to resolve the issues. If they can’t get past them, they end the relationship.
Step Three
Gather your evidence and prepare for the confrontation. The more evidence you have, the better.
Think carefully about the arguments your partner may use to explain away the evidence. Now, prepare your counterargument.
Step Four
Wait until you and your partner are alone and confront them. Listen to how they defend themselves. They might panic and then get defensive. They’ll usually say you imagine things. If you’re persistent, they’ll probably blame you for the whole thing.
If you’re lucky, you might eventually get an apology and a promise that it won’t happen again.
Step Five
At this point, you must decide if you want to continue the relationship. It’s advisable to take a time out for a month or so at least. This time apart allows you to establish the value of the romance. Do you miss your partner or the lifestyle the two of you had?
Tell your partner you need time, but don’t make any promises. If they truly want to make amends, they’ll understand.
Step Six
If you decide to continue the relationship, your partner must earn your trust again.
Both of you should go to couples therapy to work through the betrayal.