Things Parents Worry About All the Time That Will Be Fine
If there’s one thing every parent has in common, it’s the ability to worry about every aspect of their kids’ lives. Why don’t they tell you in prenatal class that you’ll never again have the luxury of a worry-free day for the rest of your life?
Forget the impact of pregnancy on our bodies, the effect of young kids on our sleep patterns and the impossibility of drinking a cup of coffee before it’s gone cold. All of that pales in comparison to the endless list of stuff to worry about.
You’re Not Alone
Psychiatrist Eva Ritvo, M.D. agrees that despite being the most complex and challenging job most people will ever face, we get little or no training for it.
“Raising children is so difficult because their developmental level is constantly changing,” she says. “Just when you might feel a bit of mastery, their needs and issues shift, giving you a whole new set of challenges.”
Take comfort from the fact that you’re not alone. “All parents go through this,” says licensed psychologist and board-certified neurotherapist Dr. Catherine Jackson. “Everyone worries, but when we are parents, we have a lot more to worry about — the possibilities are endless.”
Here are some of today’s parents’ most common worries — and a few expert tips for how to stop them from completely taking over your life.
That Your Child Doesn’t Eat Enough Vegetables
Even before your baby was born, you probably worried about what they would eat. Breast milk or formula? And that’s only the start. A few months later, it’s time to wean, which comes with even more big questions: How much? How often?
And then begin years of trying to get your child to eat the right stuff at the right time. It’s not unusual for a child to be a picky eater, according to Benioff Children’s Hospital in San Francisco.
Forget the impact of pregnancy on our bodies, the effect of young kids on our sleep patterns and the impossibility of drinking a cup of coffee before it’s gone cold. All of that pales in comparison to the endless list of stuff to worry about.
That Your Child Will Be Bullied
This is a legitimate worry, but it’s absolutely pointless to worry about bullying until it actually happens.
Instead of getting anxious about a hypothetical situation, you can take some control over your worry by giving your child the tools they need to deal with bullying in the healthiest way.
The American Psychological Association advises parents to practice scenarios at home to teach your child how to ignore a bully and become more assertive, and to help them identify the people they can go to for help (i.e., a particular teacher or friend).
That Your Child Will Die
If you lie awake at night imagining your child getting struck by lightning, choking in their sleep or drowning at the local pool, you’re not the only one.
“I often meet parents who are so concerned about the dangers facing their children that they forget to focus on the things children need to grow up to be resilient and successful,” says family therapist Michael Ungar, Ph.D., author of “Change Your World: The Science of Resilience and the Path to Success.”
Ungar encourages parents to shift their focus from what can go wrong for their children to how they can help them develop all the skills they need to be robust, capable, competent contributors to their families and communities.
For example, if you’re worried about choking, you can turn that into teaching kids how to eat a fancy dinner with the cutlery on the right side and real candles on the table.
That Your Child Won’t Be Liked
We all want our kids to be loved. But we also have enough life experience to know that it’s impossible to keep everyone happy — and would you really want to, anyway?
Sure, we think our kids are the most amazing people ever, but that’s because we’re their parents.
Having said that, there are things you can do to help your kids develop into well-rounded, likable people, like encouraging them to do volunteer work or take the time to do something special for someone, like making a homemade birthday card.
“People love us for who we are when we show them our best selves,” says Ungar.
That Your Child Will Get Hit by a Car
You’ve taught your child about road safety and watched them cross the road a dozen times, but you still get a knot in your belly when you finally let go of their hand for good.
Yes, accidents do happen, but sometimes worries can be irrational and implausible, says Jackson.
She recommends doing a quick fact-checking exercise for the feasibility of something happening. When you think something through rationally, you can help calm your worries.
Ask yourself, will they be crossing a busy road known for speeding vehicles? Has your child given you reason to doubt their understanding of road safety? If the answers are no, the likelihood of a tragic outcome is slim.
That Your Life Choices Are Detrimental to Your Child
Everything we do as parents impacts our kids, but that doesn’t mean mistakes or difficult decisions we make will scar them for life.
For example, it’s common for divorced parents to worry that a “broken home” will cause their kids irreparable harm.
But there’s always a different way to look at things.
Separation and divorce can be stressful and difficult, but it can still be the best option — for the whole family. Numerous studies have suggested that high conflict within a home is more likely to have a detrimental effect on kids than divorce.
That You’re Not Making the Right Decisions for Your Child
Parenting can be a constant state of second-guessing. Have you chosen the right preschool? Does your child do enough (or too many) after-school activities? Are they old enough for sleepovers?
Licensed marriage and family therapist Heidi McBain recommends relying on a couple of strategies to ease your concerns and give you confidence in the decisions you make.
For starters, ask for someone else’s view. See if your spouse, friend or sibling has a different angle or something that’s worked for them in the past with a similar situation. You can also be your own support system, by using positive affirmations in anxious times.
“Find a mantra that works for you, such as ‘she’s a great kid’ or ‘I’m doing my best here,' when thoughts about your child struggling pop into your head,” advises McBain.
That Your Child Isn’t Hitting All His or Her Milestones
From the moment you become a parent, it’s normal to start comparing your baby to others. Do they sleep and feed as well as other babes? Are they the only 6-month-old who isn’t sitting up yet? Are they taking too long to walk or speak?
“This tendency to check for developmental milestones in relation to other children sets parents up to be on alert from the start and can lead to other concerns,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Merriam Saunders.
To ease this worry, you simply have to stop comparing your child to any other child. Children develop at different rates, and the sooner you realize it’s not a competition, the more you’ll enjoy those special milestone moments — whenever they arrive.
That You’re Not Spending Enough Time With Your Child
Anyone who says you can have it all is lying. If you have a home and a family and a job, sacrifices and compromises have to be made. Sometimes, that means not spending as much time with your kids as you’d like to (or they’d like you to). Hello, huge amounts of guilt!
First of all, remember that every situation is different. A parent who’s home to put their kid to bed every night might not work night shifts as you do.
Next, take comfort from a 2015 study carried out by researchers at the University of Toronto and the University of Maryland that found the quality is more important than quantity when it comes to the time you spend with your kids.
That Your Child Isn’t Making (or Maintaining) Friends
According to Saunders, one of the biggest concerns parents have is if their child will make friends.
“Our ability to socialize is equated with our very survival, so it is a parenting instinct to be concerned about that,” she explains.
In this situation, ask yourself if you’re projecting your own insecurities or negative experiences onto your kid. “If you had a hard time with friends or were bullied as a child, you may be triggered when your child reaches that same age and get overly involved in the child's friendships,” she says.
Sometimes, this can cause the very damage you’re trying to avoid, so trust that your kid will figure it out for themselves, and try to stay in the background.
That Your Child Will Make Bad Decisions
As soon as one set of parental worries are put to bed, it seems that they’re simply replaced with a brand-new set. The teen years are typically the most challenging and cause great distress for most parents, says Ritvo.
As your child becomes more independent and moves toward adulthood, sex, drinking and driving become some of the big issues that need to be addressed. The best way to cope with anxiety over any of these issues is to educate yourself.
“Read about parenting in general and about your child’s particular issue,” says Ritvo. “Talk with other parents, particularly those with older children whose advice you trust. Parents of your children’s friends can also be a good resource. Talk with your other family members who know your child and can provide advice tailored to your child.”
Basically, get as much advice as you can — the internet has great educational resources, too, as well as online support groups for parents. Whatever you’re going through with your teenager, someone else is going through exactly the same thing.
That Your Child Isn’t Doing Well at School
It’s great if your kid always gets top grades or is picked for the sports team, but it’s really OK if they don’t. Excessive worrying about your kid’s academic or athletic abilities can burden them with unrealistic expectations and might not even be about the child at all.
“Parents who were very strong in school or sports may feel their child is an extension of that identity,” explains Saunders.
Their worry is really about how their child’s performance reflects on them, she adds. And parents who weren’t strong in those areas may want their child to succeed where they “failed,” to redress their own childhood experience.
That Your Child Spends Too Much Time on Screens
Your kid is growing up in a digital age, and that comes with lots of advantages — but it also comes with arguments over Fortnite and YouTube. Screen time for kids is a constant topic of conversation, both among parents and in the media.
Official guidelines are a good place to start, but don’t beat yourself up if your kid spends the occasional afternoon glued to a video game.
Balance is key: Encourage your child to spend time every day being physically active and doing indoor activities that don’t involve screens, such as crafts, playing with Legos or reading. If your kid is really passionate about video games, try to get involved.
Ask them what they enjoy about the games. Problem-solving? Competing? Working as a team? This can help you identify activities your child might enjoy in the real world.
That You’re Not a Good Enough Parent
If you haven’t chosen your parenting mantra yet, how about, “We all make mistakes”? Nobody gets it right, all of the time. “Parenting is a life-long journey, and mistakes will be made along the way,” says Ritvo.
Forgive yourself and learn from the times you don’t get it right to become a better, more confident parent. At the same time, understand that you will continue to worry.
“Parenting is the ultimate responsibility, so anxiety is a necessary part of the process,” says Ritov. “But you don’t want it to dominate the picture. Use all the resources you can to make it the most meaningful and productive experience possible. Having a child is a privilege that not everyone gets in their lifetime. Let your faith outweigh your fear and enjoy the ride — bumps and all.”