The Funniest Things Overheard by Labor and Delivery Nurses
Whoever designed the human body had issues. No one should ever have to push a creature larger than their own head out of their body, and yet women do it like it's NBD.
It is, in fact, a big deal — so big that labor and delivery nurses get a front-row seat to the funniest sentences that expectant parents never thought they'd say. We love them all.
A Girl’s Gotta Eat
Encapsulating placentas is a real thing, but joking about digging into what resembles a raw liver with a fork is a recipe for disturbing your labor and delivery nurse. Unless she has an excellent sense of humor, of course.
The only problem is that there are so many *ahem* unconventional trends out there, nurses never know if a patient's kidding or not.
Seriously, Bring on the Ribs
Expectant parents, let this be known: When a woman is in labor, no demand is off limits. Your wife wants ribs, you get that woman some ribs. Your wife wants a live unicorn, you travel to an alternate universe and get her one.
Until that baby is born, you do what she asks, no matter how insane it sounds.
Labor and Delivery Nurses Deal With Some Interesting Characters
Get this. It wasn't the father of the baby who expected to deliver the child; it was the father of the woman giving birth. Imagine your dad thinking he was about to deliver your baby with his own two hands.
Um, no thanks?! Unless we're giving birth while stuck in an elevator, go away and let the OB handle this one.
Dressing on the Side, Please
For anyone lucky enough to not know what forceps are, they're basically giant salad tongs used to grasp the babies head and assist with delivery. Obviously, it's not a pleasant experience.
We'll leave the rest up to your imagination, but suffice it to say that denying the sinister salad tongs is a reasonable pregnant-lady demand.
Some People Take Breakups a Little Too Well
Not every relationship works out, and that's OK. Kids are happier with two co-parents who still respect and support each other than with married parents who fight non-stop.
Still, encouraging your former partner to ask out the labor and delivery nurse mid-contraction seems like taking it a step too far.
You Wouldn’t Understand, Mom
You just wouldn't get it, mom.
It's not like you gave birth to me or anything like that.
You know what, that's fair. Labor and delivery are insane. The whole process from start to finish is utter chaos.
Ever show up at a party and realize it's too wild for your taste and you'd rather head home early? That's how pretty much every mom feels during delivery, except heading home isn't an option.
If You’re Not Swearing, Are You Even in Labor?
Jiminy Cricket, this hurts like a son of a nutcracker.
Dave, you banana head, we're never doing this again.
How Labor and Delivery Nurses Keep a Straight Face, We Have No Idea
Maybe new parents should get a crash course on how all of those minor details work to avoid sending them into an intense panic.
Just a thought.
There’s a Time for Jokes, and There’s a Time to Shut Up
Hey, points for honesty. All babies are beautiful, but are they cute right after they're born? Heck no.
They look like angry potatoes for a solid 12 hours, and they're not really cute until they're a few days old.
That Awkward Moment You’re a Labor and Delivery Nurse in Labor
No one should ever have to get this up close and personal with a coworker. Imagine going back to work knowing everyone has now seen you scream, cry, swear and probably poop, all while wearing nothing but an ugly paper gown.
We'd give birth at a different hospital, even if we had to drive 100 miles away.
She’ll Call You Tomorrow, Condoleezza
Jeez, Condoleezza. We just went to the park on Tuesday. Can't you see I'm busy? Get a life.
In all seriousness, women in labor should get a free pass to say literally whatever they want, pain meds or not.
Who the Heck Are You?
We can just see the labor and delivery nurse leaving a note on a newborn: "Could not be delivered. Please return to sender."
Honey, Get the Magnifying Glass
Like, where did she think it was hiding?
Ma'am, if the doctors need a microscope to find it, either it's a girl or your baby is going to have bigger things to worry about.
We’d Hate to Be the Labor and Delivery Nurse Who Had to Break the News
No, ma'am. You gave birth to a different kind of present, but you're still not done pushing.
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